Meltdown.

So every once in a while i have a meltdown.
I don't know if this is something that happens to everyone or not. But at some point after a few weeks of putting things on a shelf, the shelf collapses and i have a complete meltdown.
it usually consists of a lot of crying, a moderate amount of self loathing, and ends with complete exhaustion.
It can be anything that sets it off. Usually something small that finally breaks the proverbial camel, and the rest of the world comes crumbling with it.
The reason i am bringing this up, is because yesterday i had a doozy. It started with small things, and as the weekend went on it got bigger until i found myself crying uncontrollably. I was angry at myself for some stupid mistakes, angry at some other people for THEIR mistakes, and missing Sheri big time.
Does everyone have these days??? Maybe i don't want to know the answer to that one....
So when it all came falling down, like the London bridge kids sing about, at about midnight last night, i wanted to curl up in a ball and give up.
But i didn't.
And i never do.
And here is the reason.
James. He is my knight in armor, my hero, my conscience, and my voice of reason. He is the one person in my life who can say to me in a calm and rational voice, "Wendi, STOP IT." and i do. Granted sometimes it takes me ten minutes or so, and sometimes the feelings remain. But all of a sudden life feels like it can and will continue.
I have an amazing life. One that makes me ashamed i even have these episodes of complete craziness. I think i need to hang a sign somewhere in my house that i will see everyday. It will say, "today people are going to say rude things to me, or hurt me by not saying something i think they should. There are going to be people in my life today that are going to bring back painful memories, no matter how deep i think i have buried them. Today i am going to forget something important, do something stupid, and miss some one i love who isn't here anymore. But I AM GOING TO DEAL."
You would think by the age of 35 i would have learned to let the Lord take over when i feel like i cant handle things anymore. But I'm still learning.
I would like nothing more than to say that I'm going to do that from now on. No more anger at people who have hurt my husband or family. No more hating myself for not doing things as perfectly as i think i should have, or making the silly mistakes i make everyday.
I would REALLY like to say that....
I love the people in my life, you all make a difference to me in one way or another. I'm grateful for an amazing husband who tries to get me, and when he doesn't, he still keeps trying. I'm grateful for an amazing family, who don't try and manipulate me, and love me for who i am. I'm thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves me. And mostly, I'm thankful for a Savior who doesn't care if i manage to complete all my housework perfectly, that i am constantly forgetting appointments, and that my Jello is a totally weird color.